The downsides of ‘social’ science

Are you a social scientist? I don’t mean in the sense of a scientist who studies society and culture, but a scientist who is active on social media? You could of course be both; a socsci on socmed.

I confess I grow weary of the relentless drone of socials and, being an old fart, am regularly babbled by the latest must-use platform and its individual peculiarities.

I can’t say I particularly like any of them, but that doesn’t stop me from wasting precious time every day checking updates or exploring new services.

Facebook is the grand-daddy of social media. At its birth, it was exclusively for US college kids, and today it is for the parents. Truly a multi-generational offering.

Twitter is where all the angry trolls go when they aren’t needed for the filming of the latest Middle Earth saga. The one thing that would make it better is to have the number of followers of an account, and how long it has been active, attached to each comment. I mean, you know KingBoris108975 is going to be a fascist robot, so why not be explicit?

Instagram was fashionable about five years ago and was the place to spend your socmed efforts. Pretty and vacuous, like that guy or girl you fancied at sixth form, it’s now married with kids. Be glad you never went there.

The newcomers are, well… you take pictures with both front and rear cameras within a minute or so of the app demanding you do so, supposedly so that you are being ‘authentic’. You’re at the bench, or your terminal, and you unthinkingly show everything in view to anybody who wants it. It won’t be long before this results in you spending more time on the ultimate jobseekers platform.

Do not be afraid of sanctimonious platitudes, for these are the bread and butter of the platform

LinkedIn is the one which, we’re all told, is a must for business purposes and especially for early career professionals.

Build your profile, connect with colleagues and significant organisations in your professional sector (especially recruiters) and network like crazy. Make sure you ‘celebrate’ or ‘applaud’ the minor victories these connections announce, and leave positive comments whenever you have something to add – or even if you don’t, but just want to get your name out there.

Learn the art of the humblebrag, so you can proclaim how you are honoured and privileged to have been nominated for anything from the top tea-maker in the lab to the Nobel Prize. My favourite – and I promise this is true – was from a vague connection who posted about “that feeling when you’ve had a busy morning dashing around making the kids’ lunches and getting them all off to school on time and then remember you’ve just been given an OBE”.

Do not be afraid of sanctimonious platitudes, for these are the bread and butter of the platform. Express condolences to a family you’ve never met on their loss, which was in the news, and draw a parallel to something in your own life which has informed what happened later. Turn it into a little victory and a parable for your voracious followers.

In exchange, you might expect to build a high profile in your professional sector and be beating off job offers with a stick. In reality, you will have to endure endless sales pitches and the smug banalities of people you neither know nor like.

Remember: the secret is sincerity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.