Lab Babble: The Modern Prometheus

Last time, we talked about the reproducibility crisis in science and the shocking statistic that only about a third of experimental results can be verified.

Our solution is to multiplex all research from the start, with at least three parallel lines of experimentation. Results will be classed as either ‘trusted’ or ‘junk’ from the moment they are found, meaning an end to blind alleys of research. By eliminating the need to re-create and repeat experiments, years will be saved and the march of science accelerated.

The obstacle on our path is the primary variable in science, the human. Rather than invoking AI and lab automation, we will eliminate variability in scientists. Our army of cloned operatives will retain insight and creativity but operate predictably and reproducibly. Problem solved.

Why stop there? If we are going to create a new class of humans whose purpose is the advancement of knowledge through scientific experimentation, Homo labhabito, there's potential for a few small improvements.

We can eliminate knees for a start. These are a weak link in the basic design, as anyone who runs for re-creation will discover. Young humans label their knees left and right, but from middle age onwards they are known as good and bad. So they're gone.

Instead of designing the pipette to be ergonomic to the hand, we simply redesign the hand to suit the pipette

This presents an issue with shock absorbance, even for a species which inhabits a world of clean rooms and level floors, but fear not. A commercial and technological symbiosis with Dr Martens (soon to be promoted to Prof Martens) will enable the incorporation of organic aircushion soles as native equipment on the new species. This brings the added benefit of inbuilt resistance to acids, alkalis, oil, fat and a wide range of laboratory solvents, as well as timelessly cool fashion.

One common cause of repetitive strain injury and general discomfort in the lab is the endless task of pipetting. Manufacturers have spent bundles of dosh and barrels of time working on ergonomics, to make their devices more suited to the human hand, but the issue remains.

Instead of designing the pipette to be ergonomic to the hand, we simply redesign the hand to suit the pipette. Early prototypes involved elimination of the device altogether in favour of a little internal plumbing in the middle finger, into which fluids could be drawn and expelled, but it was soon apparent that cleaning would be an issue and anyway, who wants this stuff inside them? Simpler to rearrange muscles and tendons away from the wrist (like the knee another weak point, but indispensable for dexterity) and into the upper arm and shoulder. Spin-off benefits include making use of larger muscles which tire more slowly, and providing a continuous upper body workout so our people always look hench at the bench.

We need to do something about primary sensors. We’re forever having to bend down to read the display on some instrument, or see if the solute had finally dissolved, simply because our eyes are idiotically positioned so far away from the action. That will be fixed with a simple relocation to the chest.

There’s more we can do, such as moving the nose to the back of the head to reduce the effect of noxious fumes when somebody opens the hood too soon: What modifications would you suggest for Homo labhabito?